Let’s Fight Fair; When Couples Can’t Stop Arguing.
In the intricate dance of love and companionship, disagreements are inevitable. However, how we handle these conflicts can make all the difference in the health and longevity of a relationship. As a psychotherapist i’ve been working with couples for years. With every couple I work with an important, difficult lesson is often necessary to learn and that is too ‘Fight Fair’. In my work I have found this to be one of the most difficult tasks in the relationships, in sessions I see how a simple sentence or word can trigger the other partner quickly into defensiveness, frustration, anger and a whole range of other emotions. What is vital to remember is two steps in ‘Fighting Fair’:
Identify when emotions are high and separate from one another.
When reconnecting lead with feelings and empathy.
Understanding the Heat of the Moment:
Arguments between partners can escalate quickly, fueled by strong emotions such as anger, frustration, and hurt. In the heat of the moment, communication often breaks down, and rational thinking takes a back seat. This is where emotional separation becomes invaluable.
The Importance of Emotional Separation:
Preventing Escalation: When emotions run high, the risk of saying hurtful things increases. Emotional separation provides a cooling-off period, allowing both partners to gain perspective and avoid escalating the conflict further.
Promoting Rational Thinking: Taking a step back allows individuals to regain control over their emotions and think more rationally. This separation enables partners to approach the discussion with a clearer and more level-headed mindset.
Encouraging Effective Communication: Communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Emotional separation prevents communication breakdowns and creates space for more effective dialogue.
Preserving Emotional Well-Being: Arguments can take a toll on emotional well-being. Emotional separation provides a buffer, allowing partners to prioritize their mental and emotional health.
Fostering Empathy: Spending time apart during an argument allows partners to empathize with each other’s feelings and perspectives.
Arguments often lead to little hurts in the relationship, sometimes an argument can lead to a deeper wound as well. Each cut, wound and scar will further the argument cycle, potentially making it worse the next time. I also would like to point out it is human to want to get our point across, our emotions are running high and we need to be heard! However, in my experience i’ve never seen an argument when emotions are heightened in the couple to lead to compromised agreement.
Once it is identified the conversation is no longer productive an example of what to say could look like “I’m going to walk away because things are getting escalated but I will be back in X amount of time so we can talk about this.”
Reconnecting Through Vulnerability:
After a cooling-off period, the couple comes back together, ready to engage in a more constructive conversation. The key to this reconnection lies in vulnerability and effective communication.
The Power of “I Feel” Statements: Opening the dialogue with “I feel” statements allows individuals to express their emotions without assigning blame. This fosters a sense of personal responsibility and invites the partner to understand the emotional impact without feeling attacked.
Expressing Emotions Honestly: The “I feel” approach encourages honesty about emotions, setting the stage for a deeper, more meaningful conversation and paving the way for resolution.
Contributions to Escalation: Each partner reflects on their contributions to the escalation of the argument, promoting accountability and growth within the relationship. This may look like both parties saying what they contributed to the escalation.
Planning for Improvement: Couples discuss strategies for improvement, creating a roadmap for more effective communication and conflict resolution. This looks like each couple saying in the future what they will do to improve their communication style.
Couples Fight, You Aren’t Broken:
It’s important to normalize the occurrence of disagreements in relationships. Conflicts are not indicative of a failing partnership but rather a natural aspect of two unique individuals coming together.
Learning and Growing Together: Couples who embrace disagreements see them as opportunities for growth, learning more about each other and improving communication skills.
Building Resilience: Accepting that conflicts are a part of any relationship builds resilience, teaching couples to bounce back stronger and with enhanced problem-solving skills.
Seeking Professional Guidance: Normalizing conflict encourages couples to seek professional guidance when needed, recognizing therapy as a proactive step towards enhancing the relationship.
Conclusion:
By integrating emotional separation, vulnerability through “I feel” statements, and normalizing conflict, couples can transform disagreements into opportunities for connection and growth. This holistic approach fosters understanding, empathy, and a shared commitment to continuously improving the dynamics of the relationship. Embracing the reality of occasional conflicts allows couples to not only weather the storms together but emerge stronger and more connected on the other side. The rollercoaster of love becomes a journey of resilience, learning, and enduring connection.
